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Below is the gist of the exchange which occurred on my very first day of school (kindergarten) in 1948 and which I claim taught we more about myself than most of the rest of the experiences I'd have throughout my schooling.
There was a pile of toy boats in the center of the room. These were each hand-made of wood and individually painted. Each was different from the others and a beautiful work of art.
The teacher had us sit on the floor around the pile of boats and then she asked that we each choose one. There was one that in shape and/or color particularly attracted me.
But it attracted at least one other person. Donald Gray was the biggest student in that first class of mine (I was a four-year-old in a kindergarten class of mostly five-year-olds.) He would remain bigger than me throughout school. And he did things the big kids did, such as play football in high school. Our mottos in the yearbook showed the divide between us in the starkest terms. Mine was: 'What fools these mortals be!' His was: 'His limbs were cast in manly mold.' Do you see? He worked at Being Big and it informed his very thought-processes.
Anyway, here is the essence of my one exchange (I recall no others over the next 13 years) with Donald Gray:
Me: Can I have that boat?
Him: No - I want it!
Me: Okay.
That's it. It isn't very much, is it. True - it does tell (or imply) a lot in a brutally short space of time. But still, we yearn for more, we wish to read between the lines. This will take more - sophisticated - actors. I will make them anonymous beings:
A: Can I have that boat there?
B: No.
A (startled): What?
B: No. I want that boat.
A: But I asked for it first.
B: Actually, you didn't ask for it at all. Strictly speaking, you merely inquired as to the possibility of the boat being given to you. I answered that it was not possible, precisely because I wanted it.
A: 'The possibility'?
B: It's your use of the word 'can'. Do you hear how a lot of our classmates ask to use the bathroom? They say to the teacher, 'Can I go to the bathroom?' Her response to that should be: 'I don't know - see your urologist!' Of course they really mean to ask 'May I go to the bathroom?'
A: Well then, may I have that boat?
B: You are asking for our permission to have the boat? And then one of us turns you down and you're surprised?
A (confused): I don't quite see...
B: If you want something, say so - don't beat around the bush!
A: But I was taught that that is the way people ask for something in so-called polite society - that there is a hidden understanding that it is a request and should be honored as such.
B: Not here. This ain't 'polite society' - it's down-and-dirty society! You need to be direct here!
A: Very well: Please give that boat to me.
B (laughing): You will be polite at all costs, won't you, even when you're giving an order. And I find it interesting that you subordinate yourself into the objective case.
A: I think people tend to put themselves in the objective case, even when it's incorrect grammar. Think of 'It's me'.
B: Yes. A lot of people say that.
A: A lot? It's universal.
B: Virtually universal. As a matter of fact, I say 'It is I' whenever I get the chance, just to see the surprised looks on peoples' faces.
A: Well, you're one of the very few. There's a supposedly true story about Harvard President Charles Eliot which illustrates its pervasiveness. One evening he went up to see a student on a matter of urgent business. The student was studying hard and had his door locked. Eliot knocked and when the student asked irately who it was, he replied, 'It's me - President Eliot'. The student then launched into a string of invectives. You see, he did not believe this was the President because such an august personage would never make such an elementary error in grammar.
B: Why do you suppose people do this?
A: Ignorance?
B: Certainly not in President Eliot's case.
A: Then it must be due to a reluctance to use the subjective case, a loathing to put oneself forward quite so blatantly. It's too threatening...
B: My boy, most people aren't burdened by the possibility of being personally threatening just because they use the subjective case! No - I would ascribe it rather to ease of execution. Quite simply, 'It is I' has no consonants; and consonants are what move things along. So the explosive of the lips following the vowel in 'It's me' is the perfect antidote - one which millions of people sub-consciously intuit. (I find that I can reverse the order of consonant and vowel and use “'Tis I” quite serviceably. But that's me - er, I!)
A: I still think there's truth in my notion...
B: Poor chap - you are really trapped in your own little prison of personal reticence! i'd hate to hear how you'd make a request for something of real significance. For example, how would you ask a girl to go to bed with you?
A (blushes): That's a highly personal question!
B: It's just a rhetorical exercise. How would you do it?
A: Why don't you give some samples that I can choose from.
B (laughing): You really are something! But I'll try to oblige and run through the repertoire of choices. Are we assuming that words are to be used?
A: What's the alternative?
B: Pure raw naked physical force.
A: Such as?
B: Oh, such as tearing her clothes off.
A (disgusted): No, that's horrid!
B: Oh, I don't know - sometimes the element of surprise is just the ticket...
A: And other times?
B: They cry rape. Obviously, you need to be able to make quick judgments about what's appropriate.
A: I can't imagine ever using physical force...
B: It's the elephant in the room whenever two or more people are negotiating for anything. Didn't you feel its palpable presence when we first started talking about the boat?
A: Now that you mention it, yes. But I instinctively run the other way when there's any suggestion of force - unless of course there's someone bigger on my side. No, I need something more - verbal.
B: Well then, how about a frank expression of desire:
'I want to make love to you.'
A: That is a bit too frank. Can you make it a little more vague, more - hypothetical?
B: You mean something like this:
'I would like to make love to you.'
A: Yes. And can you do something about the uni-directional aspect of it? After all, I want the result to be mutual...
B: I see. How about this bi-directional gem:
'I would like to make love with you.'
A: It's getting better. But now I have that same old problem with the aggressiveness of the subject case...
B: First thing you know you'll be having me having her asking you to make love to her! How about
'Make love with me!'
A: Ouch - an order!
B: Well, then I'll have to turn the original statement inside out (assuming it's topologically feasible) and recast it as a question:
'Would you like to make love with me?'
That puts you in a modest little corner of this polite request where you can await her coy reply.
A (thoughtful): If indeed I have to be there at all...
B (starts): What? You want to disappear completely?!
A: Well, maybe. Yes.
B: But that means you would have to ask something like,
'Would you like to make love?'
A: I think I'd have to.
B: The utterly vulnerable self...
A: After all, what if she refuses?
B: Well, with me it'd be the start of a discussion...
A: I couldn't stand that.
B: You wouldn't take the chance?
A: It's just too risky.
B: Well then, i have just recalled a statement which seems like it was invented just for you. It's written on the back of every check in every diner in America.
A: What could it be?
B: 'It has been a pleasure to serve you.'
A: You're right - it's masterful.
B: It's a statement by a non-subject,...
A: ...a totally servile entity...
B: ...and it's you!
A: It's me.
The teacher, Mrs. Davidson, comes over.
Mrs. D: My goodness, are you all still talking? You each need to select a boat! Teddy, can you make a choice?
Teddy: Yes. (Thinks for a moment, then points to The Boat and says with absolute conviction): I want that one!
Mrs. D: Well, Teddy, I can certainly give that boat to you, but only if you ask for it nicely.
Teddy: What did I do wrong?
Mrs. D: You gave me a demand, and that's not how we ask for things here. Can you make a polite request?
Teddy: May I please have that boat?
Mrs. D: Good, it's your's. And you Donny?
Donny (laughing): I'll take any one, I don't care which.
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