Email Theo		Jokes Menu   Joke #1 Joke #2 Joke #3 Joke #4 Joke #5 Joke #6 Joke #7 Joke #8 Joke #9 Joke #10 Joke #11 Joke #12 Joke #13 Joke #14 Joke #15 Joke #16 Joke #17 Joke #18 Joke #19 Joke #20 Joke #21 Joke #22 Joke #23 Joke #24 Joke #25 Joke #26 Joke #27 Joke #28 Joke #29 Joke #30 Joke #1 My motto: "The situation is hopeless-but-not-serious." Back to Jokes Menu Joke #2 Official candy of voyeurs: Peeps. Back to Jokes Menu Joke #3 Official film of the National Proctologists' Association: Rear Window. Back to Jokes Menu Joke #4 My Brother is an only child. Back to Jokes Menu Joke #5 Historians have discovered that Atilla was a sensitive New-Age guy: he stayed home while his wife went to work. When she'd return in the evening, she'd greet him, "Hi, Hun, what's for dinner?" Back to Jokes Menu Joke #6 Masochistic Star Trek: "Beat me up, Scotty!" Back to Jokes Menu Joke #7 Response to the crass commercialization of Christmas: "If Jesus Christ were dead today, he'd be turning over in his grave!" Back to Jokes Menu Joke #8 I taught the Pope twins one year in Math. Their whole family has gone to Stanford, whose symbol (they were at pains to tell me) was the Cardinal [not the Cardinals.] "Yes," I said, "There may be two Popes, but there's only one Cardinal!" Back to Jokes Menu Joke #9 My Mother often got exasperated with my humor. "You don't always have to try and be funny, Teddy!" she would admonish me. "First of all," I'd reply, "It isn't easy to be funny all the time. And, secondly, what do you mean by try?" Back to Jokes Menu Joke #10 When is a joke not a joke? I've forgotten the punch line. Back to Jokes Menu Joke #11 Redundedant. Back to Jokes Menu Joke #12 Christianity is the one religion where you can have your King and eat Him too. Back to Jokes Menu Joke #13 At the Mother Goose Massage Parlor, we rub you down with a live goose. So that, whereas other massage parlors merely give you rub-downs, we give you down-rubs. Back to Jokes Menu Joke #14 Several years ago there was an old dead denuded tree in front of Spruce Mt. Lodge. "That tree is all blight and no bark," I remarked. Back to Jokes Menu Joke #15 There are some braille books in the library with extra large bumps: they're for blind people who are hard of feeling. Back to Jokes Menu Joke #16 Ever notice how certain fund-raisers involve activities which the beneficiaries can't do? Thus there are walkathons for MS; spelling bees for dyslexia; and, for impotence, fuckathons. Back to Jokes Menu Joke #17 Did you know that Jesus was the patron saint of the Sadomasochistic Society? That's because he preached, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Back to Jokes Menu Joke #18 "As Freud - I mean my Father - once said..." Back to Jokes Menu Joke #19 A set of parents caught their son masturbating. Immediately they sought to disabuse him of this practice. Back to Jokes Menu Joke #20 An amoeba was a guest lecturer in my math class. It told the class: "You've got to divide in order to multiply." Back to Jokes Menu Joke #21 As an Organist I am one of a very small number of people who could become an Organ Donor and still get out alive. Back to Jokes Menu Joke #22 When I was a young man, some books in my library were inaccessible to me because of my mental immaturity. Now that I am older, I am able to understand the content of those books. But now they are inaccessible to me because I can no longer reach them on the upper shelves. Back to Jokes Menu Joke #23 One day several years after she had married, my Mother received a letter from an old friend informing her that the friend had just been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Shocked and saddened for her friend, my Mother sent her the sheet music for a piece that had often given comfort and hope to herself. It was only after she mailed it that my Mother realized that the song title had another, less-encouraging meaning. The song was: "You'll Never Walk Alone". (NB: For those who do not know me personally, those last two Jokes may seem incomprehensible and callous, respectively. So the reader should know that I am in a wheelchair and have MS.) Back to Jokes Menu Joke #24 The word "schism" has three different pronunciations, according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary. So I like to say that there is a SKI-zem between those who say SI-zem and those who prefer to say SHI-zem. Back to Jokes Menu Joke #25 I took up the trombone in fifth grade, but after a few years I let it slide: I had discovered the pipe organ. And I said to myself, "Why play one pipe when you can play thousands?" Back to Jokes Menu Joke #26 Here are five reasons why Alfred Hitchcock's "Vertigo" has a happy ending: 1) Scotty (Jimmy Stewart) got rid of his vertigo; 2) He and Madeline (Kim Novak) didn't commit adultery because Madeleine/Judy was not really married to Gavin (Tom Helmore); 3) Madeline/Judy got what she deserved since she was an accessory to a murder; 4) Scotty was punished because he was abusive to Madeline/Judy (the forced makeover); 5) Scotty was now free to resume his relationship with his true love: Midge (Barbara Bel Geddes.) Back to Jokes Menu Joke #27 This was my Father's best (by default?) joke: Q: Why is Ireland the richest country in the world? A: Because its capital is always Dublin. Back to Jokes Menu Joke #28 Here is my Father's worst (there is much competition!) joke: Q: How is a cow like a can of tomatoes? A: Neither one can ride a bicycle. Back to Jokes Menu Joke #29 A few years ago, I was having a prostate biopsy. This involved shoving a tube far up my rectum, manipulating it around, and clipping off tissue samples at odd moments - a long process which made for much physical discomfort. At one point well into the procedure, I glanced at my watch: it read 10:35 A.M. I remarked to the nurse, "Were I in school, at this exact moment my pre-Algebra students at Peabody High School would be doing this very thing to me!" After an excruciating amount of time the nurse finally removed the tube. "What a relief to have that out!" I sighed. "Yup - half done already!" she exclaimed. Back to Jokes Menu Joke #30 Ayn Rand, the founder of the Objectivist School of Philosophy, wrote many books touting self-indulgence, including one called The Virtue of Selfishness: A New Concept of Egoism. After she died, an autopsy revealed an astonishing fact: she had no heart. Back to Jokes Menu