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I was fired from my first job - that as Assistant Professor of
Mathematics at Muskingum College in New Concord (I called it "New
Corncob") Ohio - back in 1968.
New Concord was a small village of about 1000 souls which had
achieved a brief sort of fame just before I arrived there in 1967: it was the
hometown of astronaut John Glenn. (I was told that, when they wanted to profile the
village on the news, they had to rebuild a bridge just to get the sound
trucks in.) New Concord was so small that Coleman Knight, the Chairman of my
Department at the College, was also the Mayor of the Town (a useful
connection for fixing parking tickets - except that there were no parking
meters!) Main Street consisted of a drug store, a small grocery store, a
truck stop diner - and little else. I myself lived scarcely a block from campus.
In such a small insular place, it was inevitable that everyone should
know everyone else's business. There was no such thing as an anonymous or
private life there. New Concord may not have been Peyton Place, but the
arch-magnification of every real or imagined personal peccadillo made it
seem so.
Add to this the fact that Muskingum was a small Presbyterian college
which was still somewhat in the throes of religious stricture (there was,
e.g., a rule that one could not walk across the campus while smoking. True -
this could not match certain rules at Bob Jones University, such as the one
which purportedly said that a boy was not allowed to walk with a girl and
carry a blanket at the same time) and you can see how such an environment
could seem - limiting (stultifying?) - to a young bachelor of 24.
And so I proceeded to commit the arch faux pas of that mileau: I
contracted a "relationship" with a student. Now before you condemn me to
utter perdition, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, allow me to defend myself
as follows: a) this "girl" was in reality a 22-year-old woman; b) she was
not taking a math course from me or anyone else (she was an organ major - no
wisecracks!); c) she was the experienced one; d) I had not yet met the woman
who would become my wife; and e) the only single female on the faculty who
was anywhere near my age was, in my mother's quaint expression, "as homely
as a mud fence."
So I ate the apple, tasted the forbidden fruit, plucked the plump
pomegranate. And then, just to be sure The Authorities knew about it, I
committed a public indiscretion.
Marsha (for such was the student's name) and I had met up one cold
late-December evening on campus. As we were both pianists, we were anxious
to play four-hand duets. But the only pianos were in the chapel, which was
locked. So we jimmied a window and climbed in and proceeded to our dueting -
that is, until we were interrupted by a night watchman eager to learn what
we were doing there. We told him the truth, hoping that he would be
sympathetic with two musicians' need to play. But apparently he did not find
our cravings compelling enough, for he turned our names in to the
administration.
Now I know what the reader is probably thinking: "actions unbecoming a
college professor!" or some such. (Then again, perhaps the reader knows
college professors well enough to realize sadly that such behavior is all
too normal for them!) Such a moralist would fail to appreciate how
desperately young keyboard artists yearn to find instruments to play. (As an
organist still in my teens I used to walk into random churches in strange
towns uninvited and play their pipe organs. Yes, the life of a "musical
second-story man" came naturally to me from early on!)
I would also like to point out one ironic fact to the jury: that, while
Marsha and I could have been at my apartment that evening (where there was
no piano), we chose to play duets instead. So, while we admittedly did bend
the law a bit, our behavior that night was essentially moral.
Anyway, after Christmas break I was summoned into the office of the
Academic Dean, a stuffy (but probably well-meaning) fellow named Howard
Evans. Thanks to me, poor Howard had on his hands what is sometimes referred
to as "a situation of some delicacy" (which of course is usually a situation
of the utmost indelicacy.) Was I called on his oriental carpet for
breaking-and-entering? Hardly - that was small potatoes at Muskingum. No - I
was to be read the riot act because of my relationship with Marsha.
Now I must say that I resented a person like Howard Evans attempting to
dictate my personal behavior. After all, he had this plush-cushy job wherein
he could sit in judgment on other people. I also knew that he had a wife - a
comely zaftig blond German Frau named Charlotte. He had imported his wife
with him into this provincial backwater; yet I was expected to behave as a
sort of monk just because of some arbitrary rule he chose to impose.
Anyway, I left the office - and resumed my relationship with Marsha
right where we had left off. Why? Was I making a personal/political
statement and thumbing my nose at Dean Evans's arbitrary rules? I'd like to
think so, but that just wasn't the case. Quite simply and utterly more
basic, the Spirit was ambivalent; while the Flesh was decidedly weak!
I didn't change my behavior, and so I was let go. The official reason
given was that I didn't have a doctorate; but a colleague told me it was
because of Marsha. I got a job at another college in a thriving metropolis
where my teaching was appreciated and no one cared what I was doing in my
personal life. So my firing from Muskingum was a blessing in disguise.
Below are two accounts of that fateful meeting with Dean Evans. The
first is, to the best of my recollection, our "conversation" (really,
essentially a monologue by Herr Evans, with a few dutiful responses by me),
together with my inner thoughts on our remarks. The second is the
conversation as I would have liked it to have been.
This dual presentation - of actual and fanciful events - is a lode which
I may well choose to mine elsewhere. After all, I have had enough
mini-disasters in my life to keep me busy for quite some time! And what is
more fun than to recast events in our lives so as to come out exactly as we
wish they had? Or do the demands of Art trump even our most fervent wishes
about the past?
12 April 2005
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Marsha
Charlotte
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Marsha
I was ushered into the opulent/decadent office of Dean Howard
Evans, a smug self-satisfied vapid philistine (do my prejudices show?)
Dean Evans: Hi, Ted - thanks for coming in.
[As if I had had any choice in the matter - as if I had come in out of
the goodness of my heart! Yes, and how - magnanimous - of him to thank me!]
Me: No problem.
[Actually, it presented a serious problem: I had to drag myself there - and
that was decades before I had MS! But of course I had to affect a casual,
devil-may-care air, as if there were nothing I'd rather be doing.]
DE: So how was your Christmas break?
[What a relief - here I thought he was calling me in because of Marsha. And
how flattered I am that he is interested in my puny little vacation!]
Me: It was fine. I drove East to visit my parents in New Jersey for a few days.
[Yes - a very few days. After which, despite the immense attractions of the
Garden State, I rushed back to be with Marsha most of the time.]
Me: How about you?
[Of course there was nothing I cared less about than the vacation doings
of stuffed-shirt Howard Evans! But I felt I had to simulate interest in his
life, on the assumption that it might create a sort of bond between us and
thereby foster a sympathy for me on his part.]
DE: It was very satisfying, a great time to recharge the batteries!
[Oh God, I hate it when these administrators use those sorts of facile
metaphors, as if he were some sort of automaton. Actually - accurate
metaphor, Howard!]
DE: We went down to visit my wife's family and had ourselves quite a feast!
[Where was that - Lower Bavaria? And do the rest of her family exhibit the
same - sumptuous - attributes as your voluptuous wife?]
Me: I hope you didn't eat too much!
[As was all too evidenced by the fact that he was bursting out of his
waistcoat! Clearly this was my attempt to put this little conversation on a
humorous level - an ill-advised move if the Dean did not view his own bulk
with the requisite - lightness.]
DE: Well, once or twice a year won't hurt, I hope!
[The triumph of Hope over Experience?]
DE: Speaking of Christmas break,
[Nice segue, Dean Evans! There I was, thinking that we were just going to
continue chatting about our vacations when wham! you turn the conversation
to the Unfortunate Subject I have so dreaded. And of course you have me
over a barrel: as we have been so friendly up to this point, I cannot stop
being friendly now, can I?]
DE: I received a report from Buildings and Grounds...
[I find that hard to believe: I've never seen a building yet that could
issue a report; or grounds either, for that matter!]
DE: ...that I found a bit disturbing.
[Just a bit, Howard? Are you sure you weren't livid with rage,
like all of the Morals Police?]
DE: Can you tell me exactly what was going on?
(Do you really want me to be exact? OK - we played through
Debussy's "Petite Suite", and then the Schubert "F-Minor Fantasie". In other words, a
nice mixture of the Germanic and non-Germanic - like your marriage! Marsha
took the top position while I - no, forget that!]
Me: Oh, nothing - we were just playing.
DE: Playing?
[Ugh - bad choice of words!]
Me: Duets. Piano duets.
DE: Well, be that as it may, you should be aware that your
relationship with - what was her name again?
[Is he telling me that he doesn't know the name of the student I was
with? Of course he knows it! So the question is purely rhetorical and he's
being coy with me: he's making me say Marsha's name, so as to
incriminate myself! I need to avoid falling into his trap, but how?]
Me (meekly): Marsha.
DE: Yes - Marsha. Well, as I said, you need to be aware of the fact that
there is a rule in effect at this college which expressly forbids faculty to
date students. Are you aware of that rule?
[Why of course I am - I'd been apprised of it ad nauseum by several of
my fellow faculty members who were concerned for my welfare.]
Me: No.
DE: Well, let us agree that you are now aware of it. And I'm sure you'll
also agree that you wouldn't want to do anything to put your teaching
position here in jeopardy, would you.
[So there it is - the veiled threat. This is the perfect time for me to
retort: "How dare you attempt to legislate my personal life! This is My Life
To Live, Sir, and your silly arbitrary rules have no place in it!"]
Me: No, I certainly wouldn't.
DE: Good, so we understand one another. Thank you for coming in, Ted. (Peers
out the window, brightens): Well, it looks like the sun may be trying to
peek through the clouds out there!
[Who cares about your stupid sun? I hope it stays behind the clouds
for the next hundred years!]
Me: Oh great!
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Charlotte
I was ushered into the office of Dean Howard Evans.
Dean Evans: Hi, Ted - thanks for coming in.
Me: No problem.
DE: So how was your Christmas break?
Me: It was fine. I drove East to visit my parents in New Jersey for a
few days. How about you?
DE: It was very satisfying, a great time to recharge the batteries. We
went down to visit my wife's family and had ourselves quite a feast!
Me: I hope you didn't eat too much!
DE: Well, once or twice a year won't hurt, I hope! Speaking of Christmas
break, I received a report from Buildings and Grounds that I found a bit
disturbing...
Me: Oh?
DE: Can you tell me exactly what was going on?
Me: Oh, nothing - we were just playing.
DE: Playing?
Me: Yes. Playing.
DE: Well, be that as it may, you should be aware that your relationship
with - what was her name again?
Me (barely audible): Charlotte?
DE (starts): What?
Me: (doesn't respond)
DE: What did you just say?
Me: Oh nothing.
DE (clearly disturbed): No - I heard a name.
Me: I don't think you did.
DE: No - I really think I did!
Me: What sort of name?
DE: A particular sort.
Me: What sort of name is a particular sort of name?
DE: The sort of name that I thought I heard!
Me: Well - what particular sort of name did you think you heard me say?
DE: I'd prefer that you repeat it so that I can be certain of what I
thought I heard.
Me: If I don't recall saying a name to begin with, it'd be hard for me
to repeat, wouldn't it!
DE (getting agitated): Why don't you try repeating what you thought you
didn't say and we'll see what happens!
Me (calmly): Why don't you try repeating what you thought you heard me say
which I don't necessarily recall saying and then we'll see where that leads!
DE (giving up): Very well, if you choose to be difficult: I thought I
heard you say the name (swallows hard, whispers) "Charlotte".
Me: I'm sorry, I didn't hear. Can you say it a bit louder?
DE (gasps, louder): "Charlotte".
Me: Is that what you thought you heard me say?
DE: Yes, I think I did.
Me: You admit that you could be wrong!
DE: I'm pretty certain Iım right.
Me: What makes you so certain?
DE: Because that is a name that I am particularly attuned to.
Me: Perhaps you are a little bit too attuned to it!
DE: Let's just say I know it when I hear it. And I will swear I
heard you say it just now!
Me: Well, and what if you did? I'm sure that there are plenty of
Charlottes to go around!
DE (hoarsely): There are no students at this school named Charlotte.
Me: Oh no?
DE: No, or faculty either. Or faculty wives - or any wives for that
matter. (Drearily): Any other wives, I should say.
Me: Your knowledge certainly seems to exceed mine!
DE: So what conclusion am I supposed to draw from all this?
Me: I don't know - what sorts of conclusions can be drawn?
DE: Well, there is the obvious one...
Me: And which one would that be?
DE: I don't think I have to spell it out for you.
Me: Sometimes spelling things out can clear the air in a
remarkable way!
DE: Sometimes. But at other times, it can muddy the waters in a
dangerous way!
Me: So for which result might you be persuaded to spell things out?
DE: Neither necessarily. Sometimes things can be spelled out in a
more discrete way - obliquely, as it were.
Me: Could you give me a sample of this sort of obliquity?
DE: Well, if a certain faculty member were to be asked by a certain
administrator about a possible or impossible relationship said faculty
member may or may not be having with said administrator's wife...
Me: Why, I thought that was the reason you called me in here!
DE: Reason? No. I - I thought you were, well, with a student...
Me (indignant): A student! Excuse me, but what do you take me for? I
happen to know that there is a rule here that expressly prohibits faculty from
dating students! Do you think I am crazy, to jeopardize my job for such a
frivolous reason?
DE (confused, shakes head): I really don't know.
Me: Well then, allow me to spell it out for you: I would only date
grown women - mature, blond, zaftig...
DE (hands over ears): Stop!
Me: As you wish.
DE (crushed): I donıt know what else to say.
Me: I'm not sure there's any more that needs to be said. May I go?
DE (head in hands): I really wish you would!
Me (Arises, glances out the window, says brightly): Well, it looks like
the sun may be trying to peek through the clouds out there!
DE (bleakly): Not in my house it won't!
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