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Time: Sometime within the last few decades.
Scene: Sitting room of a large Southern mansion of the Greek revival sort (i.e. the usual cliché: long gracious shaded front porch with huge pillars and rocking chairs facing a lawn with trees hung with Spanish moss and a river in the distance.) Two women in their 30s are having late afternoon iced tea spiked with Southern Comfort. One of the women, the trophy wife of an aging Southern congressman and matriarch of the mansion, is speaking:
"The nahce thang about Beaurahgahd's job is that he mates such intrestin papel. Now take yesterdee for example: he brought home a colleague that ah thank is about the most fascinatin of any ah've met. His background is so -- intriguin, not least because the beginnin of his 'career', if you want to call it that (ah don't know what othah wahd tah use) was supposed to be his end -- ah mean the absolute end of his entirah life. He told the whole storah to Beaurahgahd and Beau told it to me so ah'll trah to get the details straht.
"This man was originally an Eskimo, if you don't mahnd me usin the word. (ah know, ah should problah use a word lahke 'Inuit'. Goodness knows it's hahd enough to keep ahead of the Pay-Say police, especiallah when you learned somethin lahke 'Eskimo' in school. [She laughs uneasily.] Ah suppose theh want me to use somethin lahke 'Aleutian American'... oh hail, I'll just stick with 'Eskimo' and if you don't tell naithah will I.)
"Anyway, as recentlah as ten years ago this man was livin in an itty-bitty igloo with a whole bunch of othah Eskimos in the middle of absolutelah nowhah in the fah north. He was the oldest person in that extended family sorta situation, and in Eskimo terms he was reallah old, although in normal human terms like us he wasn't reallah all that old (it's sorta like dogs or somethin.) I guess he wasn't able to go off huntin and mushin on a dog sled or fishin no more.
"So one naht, while outside a big snowstorm was ragin, these Eskimos was sittin around the fire in the igloo. (Ah know what you're goin to ask -- it was the same question ah had: why don't the fire melt that li'l ol igloo? The answer is -- let's see if ah can remembah this -- it does melt it some, but it's -- well dern it, theh ah've gone and plumb fergot!) Anyway, everyone in this big family was lahke gnawin on some raw walrus blubbah or whatevah it is those people eat up theh. (Mah husband prefehs his steak so rah that, goodness gracious, it almost gets up and walks off the plate! And ah also know that those oriental foods lahke sushi and that kinda thang with raw fish are considahd delicacies. But you won't get me tryin them, no siree -- no wigglah worms crawlin around insahde me, thank yah verah much!) [She humorously wriggles her body in an imitative grimace.]
"So they're sittin around the fire in the igloo gnawin on blubbah. And the thing to know is, there weren't nearly enough blubbah to go around (I guess they left it off the shoppin list that week -- ha ha.) The old man was gnawin on his shahe when he suddenly realized that evrabodah, right down to the itsy-bitsy babies, was starin at him. (Did that sorta thang ever happen to you, Mabel? It did to me once: ah walked into a room fulla people jabberin, and evrabodah -- and ah do mean positivelah evrah last soul -- stopped talkin when they saw me. Ah mean, as in frozen in mid-sentence. Let me tell you, that is the creepiest thang that's evah happened to me! It turned out that word had leaked out -- I can't imagine wheh from -- that Beaurahgahd and ah was engaged. So it was a good kinda creepy!)
"Givin somebody the starin treatment in that Eskimo society must be pretty darned serious. Apparently it didn't just mean that they was mad at him; it was more lahke some kinda evil eye or somethin, and everybodah knew what it meant, includin the old man. So he silently handed off his blubbah to his eldest son (ah guess that li'l Eskimo society was just as patriahchal as the one down South here)" [sighs audibly] "and just walked outside into the blizzard and, as he put it to Beau, what amounted to 'certain death'.
"(Beaurahgahd told me what the word is when you banish an old person to their death, but of course ah forgot it already. (Ah swear, Mabel, ah got a mahnd like an absolute sieve!) It sounds somethin like 'gerundectomy' -- ah know that much. Of course it's a terrible thang, especially if you're the old person. You have to admit though: if you're goin to do it anyway, then that snowstorm is mighty convenient for the purpose. Thank about it: it not only kills you, it buries you in the bargain. Outta saht, outta mahnd!
"(Ah mean, thank about what kinda problem you'd have if you lived in a place lahke Florida. Whaddle ya do -- leave somebodah out in the hot sun until they dah of heat stroke or somethin? That ain't outta saht and it sure as hail ain't outta mahnd because Honah, you got a public health problem on youh hands! Ah suppose the nearest equivalent situation in Florida to the Eskimo would be to put the old goat in a li'l boat with an outboahd motor and about thirtah miles wortha gas and say 'Bon Voyage!'. But then you ask youhself: whah waste a perfectlah good boat and motah?
"[Laughs uneasily] (Mah oh mah, how ah do go on with these pressin social issues! The excitin thang is, ah get to do more than just thank about these sorts of thangs; ah actuallah help Beaurahgahd craft legislation. Ah mean -- and this is strictlah between you and me Sweetie -- he consults me about absoluteleh evrathin!)
"But ah'm gettin away from mah story about the old Eskimo. He told Beau that he silently walked out the door of the igloo into the blizzard. (Whah 'silently'? Well, thank about it: if you were the old man, what would you say in such a situation? 'Thanks for all the good tahmes'? 'Sorry we couldn't work somethin out'? Ah mean, if it were me, ah'd at least trah a li'l bitta negotiation: 'I'll tell y'all what: ah'll just eat snow until you gahs kill another walrus.' As for the others, did they say anahthang to him before he left? How bout 'No hard feelins, okay?'_or: 'Hosta la vista baby!' But why not just be blunt: 'Chill out, Grandpa!' See what ah mean? It's gotta be silent.)
"(You know what ah'd do if it were me havin to walk outta that place? Ah'd at least slam the dooh after me! You know, make the Grande Exit. Except that ah guess igloos problah don't have a dooh you can slam -- most likelah it's just a big animal skin hangin down. Too bad! So I'd just bang that big ol hide a few times on mah way out -- you know, to fill the igloo with all the dust mahtes and mold spohes and mange pahticles and peskah fleas and whatever else those animal skins would be full of. So ah'd be saying in essence, "Since things ain't goin to be none too good foh me, ah'll make sure they ain't exactlah the best foh you neithah!"
"(You know what else ah'd do? Ah'd grab a nahce warm jacket to put on. I suppose they'd call that hedgin your bets; it's problah in violation of some sorta social code those kinda people have -- you know, when you're sent out to freeze to death, it's problah not koshah to trah to prolong the agonah in the hope that you can last out the storm. But as a matter of fact ah happen to know that them there Eskimos are prettah darn good at withstandin cold: ah once saw a movah where an Inuit ran for mahles and mahles ovah ahce and snow while being absolutelah buck stahk naked (no Mabel, I weren't watchin no Eskimo porn!)
"Anyway, whether or not he slammed the door or grabbed a coat, this old guy was out of that igloo and smack into the ragin blizzard. He said that he walked or staggahd a coupla hundred feet before he collapsed into the snow. And at that point he was thinkin: 'I'm done for!' That's what he told Beaurahgahd: 'I thought that ah was absolutelah a dead man!'
"But as luck would have it (I would call it a bit of a miracle mahself), there happened bah just at that exact moment in that exact place some kinda all-terran vehicle which was on patrol from a neahby ahmy base or somethin. They saw the old man before he was covered ovah with snow, rescued him, and brought him back to the base tah thaw him out.
"That's when he stahted whaht he called his 'odyssey' -- his gradual wanderin south from the fahthest point north (I guess there ain't no other direction to wandah if you're that fah north!) He worked odd jobs havin to do with fish, from mendin nets to cannin factories, tendin to gravitate toward population centers. He learned English and became fluent by chattin up people around pot-bellied stoves in general stohes.
"He became what is known as 'a crackah barrel philosophah' (which, just between you and me Honeh, is just a fancy name for a first-class bullshit ahtist.) His fame began to spread, and people came from mahles around to hear him. Beaurahgahd said somethin verah funnah to him about that: 'Theh you were, a lahfetahme in distance and culturah awah from the existence you had led as an Eskimo, and you'ah rahght back to chewin the fat!'
"Eventually some influential people persuaded him to run for Congress. He did that -- and was elected!
"Anyway, yesterday was this man's verah first day in his new job. Of coahse he was nervous and all; but Beaurahgahd was functionin as a sort of mentoh for him, to introduce him to the rituals of the place and all that. He entered the House chambah and was dismayed to see that theh were onlah three other congressmen waitin theh to heah his maiden speech. But he gave it anyway -- Beaurahgahd said he was quahte eloquent, considerin that it was in suppoht of this totallah mundane bill that provahded so-called eahmahks foh his constituents. In fact -- and this is what made Beaurahgahd sit up and take notice -- the man called for fundin of pohk barrels -- I mean, literallah, barrels of pohk! -- for his Eskimo friends back home. (That'll give em a lotta fat tah chew on!) Beau thought this was a rahyot!
"Aftah that rathah shoht session was ovah, Beaurahgahd brought the man back here to, as he put it, 'lick his wounds'. He had our nahce negro butler bring them mint juleps out on the verandah. The man was lamentin the dismal turnout foh his maiden speech. Beaurahgahd looked at him in disbelief and asked him: 'You mean you don't undahstand?' The man said he didn't. And then Beau said somethin that, ah sweah, will crack me up til the daih ah dah:
"'It weren't important tah them cause you don't yet have the powah tah wheel and deal.' When the man still looked mystifahd, Beau added: 'Don't you see? You have no senoritah!'
"Now ain't that about the funniest thang you evah did heah? Beau said that it's one of the best examples of ahronah he ever encountahd. We both was laughin til our sahdes was bout busted, and fahnallah the man came to see the humah in it hisself and had a good laugh at his own expense.
[Looks at her watch] "Mah goodness, Mabel, how tahme does flah! That was a long storah and mah pooh li'l throat is absolutelah pahched from all the tellin of it. So ah do bahlieve ah have earned anothah glass of ahwe infamous ahced tea!"
(18 November 2008)
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